to give me an MRI while I watch one of the first six Star Trek films and see what parts of my brain light up whenever Shatner/Nimoy/the Enterprise are on screen because I’m pretty sure it would be the parts that relate to family members and I don’t care a damn bit how unhealthy/unstable that is
I’m so self-loathing that it’s hard for me to see / reality from what I dream, and no one believes me / no, not a single thing
before work this morning has already made me feel better - which is slightly disheartening in itself because it still reflects the current central issue: for the first time in a long time I’m more comfortable with other people than I am with myself.
of the furniture and specific layout of my bedroom at age ten and it gave me such an overwhelming sense of comfort and calm that lasted about twenty three seconds and then left me wanting desperately to be there again, when I was blissfully unaware of my parents’ looming bankruptcy and divorce, when I was crushing hard on Michael, a kid in my class, without realizing that was what I was doing, when my biggest challenge was beating an old DOS computer game or building another homebrew PC with my dad.
For the first time in my adult life I’m feeling things that I can’t place or quantify. I’ve always been fortunate enough to be an extravert who could still miraculously introspect. The terrific side effect was a strong understanding of people’s personal, underlying intentions and desires - empathy in a big way. I’m an emotionally driven person, and always have been - but even in the worst of times I could always reliably identify my own motivations and reconcile external events to internal sensations. And now it feels like I understand other people’s emotions better than my own. And I can’t even begin to cope with this shift, because I’ve always relied on my own feelings and responses as my coping mechanism.
It’s a hollow feeling. The surreality is almost analogous to some kind of emotional Broca’s aphasia - I’ve lost one major facet of my core communicative abilities without explanation or recourse.